Leaving My Dream Job
My husband and I both quit our decade long careers in NYC to move to South Florida and build a business. We purchased 1-800-STRIPER of Boca Raton in April, trained in May, moved from New Jersey to Florida in June, and opened our business July 1st. This post it the culmination of months of reflection around my identity as a mother who gave up what was once my dream job to pursue the next chapter .
Typographics 2015 — An annual typography conference in New York City.
Just after I realized I didn’t have the patience to be a good type designer, I decided I wanted to go into branding. It was 2015 at Parsons School of Design and the consensus was that branding was sexy—at least sexier than advertising.
I loved the simplicity of branding—colors, logos, typefaces, art direction. So simple, I found those out of the industry confused when I tried to explain my job. When I told relatives I was working on the Burger King rebrand their first comment was “PLEASE get rid of The King. He’s sooooo creepy!” How could I explain that the king wasn’t the brand? The king was a campaign born from the brand.
I loved how branding allowed room for play. I could try my hand at many different crafts. At any given time I could be art directing a photoshoot, color testing a palette, drawing a logo, or designing a custom typeface. There were 1,001 different types of brand designers I could become.
Flaunting awards I "didn't care about" (I did/do care about them)
When I entered the industry I wanted two things— to try my hand at all types of branding projects and to work amongst the best. That meant working for the top agencies, designing for the biggest brands, and making the most enviable work. For the most part, I did exactly that.
I started my career with an internship at Pentagram as soon as I graduated. I then went on to work at a number of established, global brand firms.
Alongside my desire to be the best, I had a goal. I would be a Design Director by the time I was 30 years old. This was motivated by one of my first bosses who had done exactly that. I loved her confidence as she made selects and gave feedback. I was fascinated by how much she knew. Her references were expansive and never ending. And her style‽ Somehow her projects looked like her but shape-shifted to each clients brief. I wanted that job.
My senior thesis project, ‘Inventabet.’ A stamp kit designed to teach children the alphabet.
There was also a small part of my 20 something year old brain thinking about my future family. As much as I wanted to girlboss my way to the top in the big city, I also wanted to get married and have babies. I loved kids and knew I wanted them one day. Even my senior thesis project was designed for children.
I knew I couldn’t have kids on my junior designer salary and schedule. I would need a more money and a weekend at minimum. Design director by 30 felt ambitious, but attainable. It floated in the back of my mind wherever I went.
My first tattoo courtesy of Chandelier Creative—an interrobang.
My first real job was at Chandelier Creative. My coworker described Chandelier as school. She was spot on. Everyone was free to be whoever they wanted. It was rigorous, dramatic, sexy, inspiring, cliquey, and so much fucking fun. The first Christmas Party I went to was in Tokyo. I got not one, but two tattoos in the office library at lunch. I worked on branding, advertising, and type design projects. Clients ranged from fashion, to non profits to real estate. I fell in love with photography and decided that advertising wasn’t so bad after all. It was even sexy! But not sexy enough to take my eyes off branding. And so I went….
Off to JKR! I followed my design big brother, Anthony. “They’re about to pop off.” And pop off we did—branding for some of the biggest QSRs and CPG companies in the world. Dunkin, Baskin Robbin’s, Burger King, Popeyes, and Bud Light.
I learned how to be an expert. I learned to cut the bullshit. Logo, color, brand strategy. Draw on heritage, pull out the gold, make it better. Working with huge brands and long legacies had it’s challenges, but was beyond rewarding. Walking around New York, I’d see coffee cups we designed at 12:31am riddled in the city trash cans the next quarter. We were at the top of our game, but I wanted more. I wanted a seat at the strategy table.
Off to DesignStudio! It was the pandemic and I took my interviews over zoom. They were a global studio re-opening a New York office. As soon as I started, I was overwhelmed. It was the most structured agency I’d ever worked for. To my surprise (and delight) everyone actually followed a defined creative process. Follow the process I did and I learned more than I could have ever imagined. I understood my clients on a whole new level and had more empathy for their feedback. It was a whole new way to think about branding. I was again at an agency about to “pop off.”
At this point in time I was also married and a Design Director by 29. I did it! So my husband and I decided to start our family.
Throughout my pregnancy I continued pressing the gas at work. I came into the studio twice a week at minimum despite no work from office requirement. It was a 45-50 minute communte. I travelled to Berlin at 6 months pregnant for client immersion week. I was still working well past 7pm many nights a week. I was so excited to become a mother and start this new chapter. That being said, I had a nagging worry—what if I lost momentum in my career? I wanted to show that I was all in and would be ready to come back as a mother and design director. I wanted to show that I could do it all.
Custom DesignStudio jackets by Brian Blakely.
My baby was born and the clock started ticking. Six months leave sounded like forever when I was pregnant, but any parent will tell you how fast 6 months can pass. When I was a few months away from going back to work, I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby. He was still so fragile, so helpless. I asked for another 6 months off. No problem, they said (working for Europeans is seriously the best).
Then we hit a year and reality came knocking. My office was a 50 min commute. We could move, but then we’d be far from my husband’s office. I was still breastfeeding on demand. We weren’t ready to wean to a scheduled feed and I wasn’t excited about pumping the majority of my nursing sessions. The real zinger? The cost of quality childcare would be 40% of my salary. All of this considered, there was only one fact that really mattered—I didn’t want to go back to work.
Not too long ago, it was the norm for women to stay at home with their children, but today it’s quite the opposite. When I voiced my desire to quit at moms group I was met with a lot of “Going back to work will make you feel like yourself again.” The thing was, I didn’t really want to be my old self. I wanted to be my new self. Equally as ambitious but with a newfound sense of patience and softness. Motherhood birthed a new side of me. I wanted to explore that side and I wasn’t sure I could be this new person in my pre motherhood role.
So I quit my (once) dream job.
It all sounds so simple now, but don’t be fooled. There have been many tears, conversations with fellow working mothers, late night talks about child rearing with my husband, straight up fear, family sacrifices made, and “what ifs.” What if I want to go back? What if I can never get a job in design again? What if I lose all the momentum I’ve built over 12 years? What if we need the money? What if I miss it?
When a friend asked me what I missed about my job, my answer wasn’t “Design!” or “Strategy!” It wasn’t even “My co-workers!” My answer was “winning.”
Design started as a passion, but then it became my job. The adrenaline of winning began to surpass the joy of creativity. As a highly motivated and competitive person, winning drove me to do my best work. Late nights, early mornings, designing a system only to rip it up and start over, hours spent artworking a logo, creative workshops that lead to magic moments of collaboration. A hell of a lot of hustle before a presentation and emotional high after a successful pitch.
This highly motivated and competitive side of me still exists. In fact, I feel it intensely now as my husband and I have moved the family to South Florida and started a business. While my main role is mother, I spend nap time and evenings as a co-business owner and freelance designer.
Finding balance is hard. The energy it takes to mother is often at conflict with the pace of traditional work and “success.” But I’m so glad I made the decision to quit so I could explore this middle ground.
The best part has been finding true joy in design again. I’m only opening design programs and sketching for projects that challenge me in ways I crave. Call it privilege or “lucky” or whatever you want, but to me it feels like coming home to the thing I originally fell in love with.
Do I miss my job? Occasionally. Do I love being a mother 100% of the time? Nope. Nothing is black and white. But the whole of stay-at-home motherhood is greater than its parts.
And if I ever want to go back to design, I’m reminded that I did it once and I could do it again. But I don’t want to—not right now.
Right now I want to be a mother, and that is way harder than any design job I’ve ever had.
